Depression- Can it MAKE you or Break you? (Part II)

Fast-forward to 2017, I had been living in Dubai with my family (better-half and daughter) for 2 years. My company deployed me onsite for a long-term assignment from Bangalore in January, 2016. I was very comfortable in the new place, as it was my first home and the place where I grew up and the people I had spent the first half of my life with, the food I had grown up eating (junk and normal), the malls I was familiar with shopping from, etc. I had an amazing work-life harmony with 7 hours of office time, from 8.00 am till 3:00 pm and the rest of the day was free to do whatever I wanted. I was super committed to work and family and made sure I had fun. Not a day went by where I could not manage the two. 

Then came about a different phase of life. I started to dread waking up in the morning and go to work. I was afraid of how I would plan a day from cooking all meals to doing normal chores to playing with my little one to talking with my better-half. 

If you ask me what caused all this to happen, I still have no clue. All I can say is that it was one of the worst times of my life and one that I would never want to go back to again. I was affected in a major way. I would stay silent, restless and anxious about the future. I would constantly be surrounded by negative thoughts, which was completely unlike me. It began affecting everyone around me, at home and to an extent, at work. I was not myself. 

It was unlike me to NOT talk about my feelings with my mom or my best friend or my better-half. 

It was unlike me to NOT be positive and take life as it comes. 

It was unlike me to wake up in the early hours of 3 am and not sleep like a log till late noon, on weekends. 

It was unlike me NOT to go for a girls' night out with my group of girl-friends to unwind. 

It was unlike me NOT to go out shopping and burn a hole in my pocket. 

It was unlike me NOT to sneak out for a quick cuppa at Caribbou cafe or indulge in my favorite dishes at the Cheesecake factory or gulp down delicious Kunafa from Al Diyafa Feras sweets. 

I had a feeling of helplessness. 

You can't keep away what's going on in your life from mothers. That is what I ended up doing as well. I had to speak out to her, which was difficult, but could not be avoided thanks to her persistence. She was smart enough to sense something was seriously wrong and I had to get help before it turned worse. She used to discuss with my better-half in parallel and ultimately, they decided that I should travel to India away from the current surroundings. I had a tough time convincing my employer to allow me some time-off. I was in a very important and crucial role at a customer site and my absence would be felt. It was a time when I had to make a choice between my personal and professional life. I took a call to jeopardize my professional life and traveled to India, leaving the customer and employer unhappy. I was lucky to have understanding managers though.

I spent 3 weeks in the comfort of my house, living with mom, dad, brother and his wife. I went through hell of a bad time. The conventional methods of yoga, mediation did not have any effect on me. It took a couple of months, but I gradually returned back to my old self. Thank you to numerous conversations, therapy sessions, podcasts and self-reflection. l didn't know whether it should be termed as mid-life crisis or depression and the funny thing is that I still don't know. 

All I can say is that the whole experience taught me to be stronger and I am confident that I can face anything that life throws my way now. I could not have done it, without the support of my family and friends. Everyone had an important part to play and had to bear with my not-so-pleasant personality, which they were not used to before. Many of them never realized that I was in bad shape or at least, never expressed they knew. I am grateful to all those people in my life, without whom I could not have fought this battle and emerged as a stronger person (physically and mentally).

Not everyone goes through the same journey- some of them get hit harder, while others don't go through a lot of pain. My advice would be to watch out for signs of falling into such a phase and get help on time. You might not even realize that you are going through it until its too late. So it helps to have someone who you live with watch out for signs too. Awareness about depression and similar phases of life will allow us to be more aware of ourselves and others.

The first BIG plan I made after slipping back into my normal routine was to plan to do something that I have never done before. I knew the perfect person i could partner with!

I called up my bestie who lives in Vienna, and told her to fix a time and find a place that we have both never been to. It was exciting to plan our first girls' trip together- away from the responsibilities, away from chaos, away from routines, away from family, away from work. 

Zagreb and Dubrovnik turned out to be one of the best holiday destinations we have ever been to. It was not a long holiday, it was just 5 days. However, it was enough to make me forget everything that happened, recharge, unwind and helped me start a brand new life!

If you ask me now, can depression MAKE or BREAK you, my answer would be:

"MAKE you".

Do throw in your thoughts or experiences about depression and let's share the love!

Below is a throwback picture of bestie & me in 2011 and 2018. 

Are we looking wiser and prettier? :P

US in 2011 (India)

US in 2018 (Croatia)